The Love that Stayed

It was on the second week of January when my father decided to leave us. He didn’t left any notes.

No messages. No traces.

Nothing. He just left.

Unlike in other families, the reason for my parent’s separation is not about infidelity or financial matters. We were happy back then. We even spent the previous Christmas and New Year together. We were a perfect picture of what a happy family looks like. Although I am my parent’s only child, we were all contented with each other’s company. We dine together. We bond. When I’m at home visiting them for the holidays, we sleep in the same room and talk till midnight.

We were drowned in pure blissfulness that we didn’t saw the possibility that it could all lead to this. No matter how hard I tried to ask myself millions of questions of what happened between my parents, I just can’t get the right answer. I knew by heart that they love each other. I have seen my father cried when my mom was sick and got hospitalized. I didn’t know what went wrong. I guess my parent’s marriage is just another case of a beautiful love story gone wrong.

I still remember it happened the week before Pope Francis came in the Philippines in January. Everyone was out on the streets in the Metro or at their homes watching television, waiting for the Pope’s arrival while I was just in bed too idle to stir up. I look on the other side and discovered that the other end was empty. My parents are now awake, probably cleaning the kitchen and preparing breakfast. I stared blankly at the ceiling and let myself lie on the bed for another minute when my mom walked in. From the moment she opened the door, I stared at her face and saw for a brief second that there was something wrong. From the faint swelling in her eyes down to her nose, I knew that she just cried. I want to ask her what caused her in that state but I chose to keep silent about it and wait for her to tell me what happened.

Slowly, she approached my bed side without looking straight at me. She pulled out a few squares of tissue paper in her hands and wiped it in her eyes.

She started, “Anak, your father’s gone. He left us.”

“Huh? Wh-What do you mean?” I said.

“He’s gone.”

“Where did he go?”

“Anak, please…”

I was all clueless on what was happening. I was scared, too scared to admit the fact that father is capable of leaving us. It was all too sudden. What caused him to do such thing?

“Where? Tell me what happened!” I continued.

My mom breathed with a sigh of exasperation and tried to calm me down. “Anak, you should have your breakfast first. I’ll call your aunties; I have to tell them about this. I’ll be fine”

Sensing that my mom would need some time to talk to her sisters privately, I quietly stepped out of my room. But as I was walking through the hallway down to the kitchen, I saw the half-opened door of my parent’s bedroom. Filled with utter curiosity, I decided to rush in and to check if my father left any traces before he left.

But there was none. The room looked the same as it was last night. I opened all the closets to check if father took his clothes with him. As I open them with a flourish, I was surprised to see that all of them were still in their usual places, all neatly piled up. I knew it because I’m the one who organize my father’s closet. My mom just said that father left but he didn’t bring any clothes with him. Surely, he’ll be back, doesn’t he? Maybe mom was just overreacting. I thought to myself.

“He didn’t bring his clothes with him.” Mom suddenly appeared in the doorway interrupting my thoughts.

“He’s gone, anak. I called all your father’s distant relatives in Malabon and they said he wasn’t there.

“I don’t understand Ma, but why? Why did he do that? Just please, tell me. I have to know.” I looked at her with pleading eyes, begging for the answers I need to hear.

Sensing the urgency in my voice, mom finally surrenders and said, “Come here and I will tell you what happened.”

I walk towards the bed and sat beside my mom. I looked at her red stricken eyes, probably tired from all her crying last night. Slowly, she cupped my hand between hers.

“Anak, no matter what kind of things I tell you, please don’t get mad at your father, okay? You just listen.” She was staring deeply in my eyes and I was trying my best not to burst into tears at the sight of her. I knew I shouldn’t be angry with my father, but it just breaks my heart to see my mom like this.

“I’m sorry anak, but there had been a lot of things we’ve been keeping from you. It started before you came home last Christmas. We’ve been having frequent fights when you were away and I don’t want you to know anything about it. Your father and I don’t have any intentions of ruining this for you. I’m very sorry anak but things have been complicated between us. It’s just too difficult to go on and pretend that everything is okay. Last night, we had a huge fight and I think that would be the last. We were able to exchange a few hurtful things towards each other and…”

 “He can’t just leave like that! Maybe he’s just cooling off! I swear to you, Ma, he’ll be here by tomorrow.” I looked at her with eagerness, trying to convince her that everything will go back to normal.

“I hope he does. Pero anak, I knew it would be painful for us not to have father around but it would be better off this way. Nahihirapan na ko.”

“But Ma, please. Did you even try to call him?” I said.

“Anak, please don’t bother. I’ll deal with this. You understand? Just go and have your breakfast and I will call your titas. May be we could stay at their place for a few weeks.”

I had a lot of expectations with my father. He was hardworking, responsible and a provider. He is an epitome of a good father. His genuine love for us was immeasurable. But how can he just stop? Has he gotten tired of us? Did he ever try to think about the consequence of leaving me and my mom? Because he didn’t just hurt my mother, he hurt me the most. I have never seen such weakness from him. It was like seeing a different side of my father I have never seen before – a man who could not stood up for his own family. I knew my mom would always find a way to cover up the things of what my father had done - though it wouldn’t be that much long.

The whole day I was all alone in my thoughts. I had been thinking all the possible reasons of why my parents ended up this way. Is it because of me? Do we have monetary problems? Is father leaving us for another woman? Even the thought of it pains me. I was trembling with anger, fear and frustration. My eyes that were filled with tears started to stream down my cheeks along with my sweat. I was feverish and dizzy all morning. Mama cannot see me like this, not this time. I thought to myself. She had enough problems to face for this day and I cannot let myself add up to her list. Now that father’s gone, I have to be strong for her. I need to be.

But it wasn’t for long.

After a few days, I could feel that my body is slowly being consumed by my growing anxiety. It was wrong for me to let these negative thoughts take over my mind. But I can’t help it. It was for the first time that father has been gone for this long. I longed for his physical presence just like I always do as a little girl. It’s hard to imagine how my mom and I will manage to survive in the succeeding days, months, and years without my father.  I am terrible on dealing with loss. The waves of nausea even add up to my current suffering. My stomach contracted violently for I barely ate anything the whole day. I decided to walk to the bathroom. I hold on to the walls, tables and chairs or anything that will keep me from breaking down. But just when I was about to reach the bathroom door, I suddenly felt weak and I sank to my knees. I was all sprawled on the floor and I started throwing up.

 My father’s absence had left on agonizing pain in my heart. My head was drowned with thoughts of my father who left us. You shouldn’t have been gone! You shouldn’t have done this! Why Daddy? Why did you do this to us?

“Diyos ko! Anak! Anong nangyayari!” (Oh God! Dear! What is happening?)” My mom, who is standing in the doorway was filled with terror at the sight of me. She rushed to my side and gave me a glass of water. She kept on rubbing my back while I dry heaved on the floor.

“Kaya ko pa Ma. Kaya ko pa.” (I can handle this Ma. I can.)

“Anong kaya? Dadalhin kita sa hospital! Tatawag ako ng ambulasya!”

 “Huwag Ma! Dito ka lang. Huwag kang aalis...”   

I was overcome by the surge of emotions that I suddenly broke down, letting all my pain washed away by tears. I was in a state of utter devastation. I saw the pained look crossed my mother’s face.  Suddenly, she enveloped me inside her arms and I clung to her as if she were my life. I don’t want to let go. I just lost my father and I would die if I would also lose my mom.

“Tahan na, anak. Tahan na. Nandito lang si Mama…,” she said.

“Don’t leave me Mom. Please. I promise, I’ll make you stay,” I said.

My mom always tells me that there is no explanation for everything. I may not stop thinking about it, but sooner or later I have to learn to accept it. I have to accept there are just some things I will never get the answers I need. I lost all the hopes of my father coming back for us but the desire to know of why he left and the need to move on from the pain still haunts me. But we’ll get over it someday.

I knew it would not be easy for my mom to raise me up and send me to college as a single mother. We lost the bread winner of the family and the one we love the most. But with my mom around, I know we will make it work.